Are whirlwind relationships delightful breezes that propel emotional and physical attraction; that time when we can’t get enough of the other person’s presence?
Or, are whirlwind romances a hurricane gale force wind that will inevitably send us crashing into the rocks of relationship disaster?
It depends on how successfully we meld the zing of attraction with the discernment of our strength and authentic selves.
When we meet a new person, the temptation to throw ourselves head over heels into a whirlwind romance is heady. After all, we’re trained that whirlwind romances are desirable.
Romantic fiction, movies and media all tell us that real love is intense, destined, and can progress at the speed of light. “He swept me off of my feet,” they say, “I knew right away that this was perfect.”
We’ve all heard stories of the person who meets a guy on Monday and by Wednesday they’ve declared a new relationship status on Facebook.
We’re used to seeing celebrities start dating in a flurry of romantic gestures, adopt joint pets, and vow to spend the rest of their lives together only to repeat the cycle a year later with a new person.
Not all whirlwind connections are so obviously crazed and intense. A whirlwind can simply be any new relationship that is progressing quickly or requiring a lot of your time, emotional energy and thought. Marathon texting sessions, seeing a new person for hours at a time, fast physical intimacy, pouring over a new person’s social media pages are all common nowadays.
What’s wrong with moving fast? After all, if it’s right isn’t everything supposed be fast? The reality is that while it’s possible you have a great new romance and you feel like soul-mates, it’s just as possible that you’ve met someone who is simply not up to being in a relationship, or that you’re not seeing the person for who they truly are instead of what you want them to be. Because you’re forming an intense attachment, expectations may overflow the comfort boundaries of one or both of you.
Have you ever had connections that felt all-encompassing and thought, “This is it, this is the one!” only to watch them fizzle out, or see the other person pull away? Have you ever really liked someone at first but then become overrun with doubts and you bail out? Have you ever had a relationship progress more slowly and you wonder if something is wrong with it?
When two people meet and have an attraction, the brain is flooded with phenylethylamine, norepinephrine and dopamine, powerful chemicals that are responsible for the excited, euphoric “high” of a crush. Past needs and desires combine with these powerful emotions. Because you’ve wanted this feeling of love or connection for so long, you may not even seeing the many sides of the person in front of you. Falling in love with the idea of a partner is not the same as falling in love with that real person.
Getting to know someone means you’re open to the signs and signals around you, and you’re truly open to the other person as they really are. Being open means that you have your full awareness and discernment. If you’re too giddy, you’ll be entranced by their behavior from moment to moment, focused on their exes, insecure about their intentions, or always wondering how much they like you. You’re so busy with those thoughts that you fail to know their true beliefs about the things that are critical to you, or see what you need to see, good or bad.
Romance can be intense, spontaneous, fun and amazing! But that doesn’t mean you have to lose your head. The whirlwind romances that work are the ones in which both partners have a strong sense of themselves and the willingness to follow up hormonal “crush” feelings with actual communication.
Take your time getting to know a new person and let love blossom by keeping these tips in mind:
1. Take care of your well-being. Resting, taking care of your body; wellness can help keep your emotions balanced so that you can enjoy the high of a crush without overdosing on a new connection. You’ll be less likely to let your own physical, emotional, sexual or safety boundaries blur. With strength you can identify red flags, players and worse. Staying sober in a new connection definitely helps.
2. Have your own life and spend time on your own. Don’t ditch all your friends and family because Mr. Wonderful is on the scene. When you have your own life, friends and hobbies, you show your could-be-partner that you have healthy boundaries and don’t depend on them for all your entertainment and happiness. Besides, if you relationship doesn’t work out, your friends won’t be alienated when it comes time to repair your heart.
3. In a media-obsessed world, Texting, messaging and flirting can take precedence over actual connections. Talking constantly is a lot of fun, but there are a lot of “fantasy only” relationships that are all talk and no action. Make sure that your new connection is as willing to meet you, listen to you, and join you as they are to chit chat by text or dominate your time with their stories. If your new connection has lots of questions about what movies and books you like, he can certainly find out on a real date.
4. Distance makes the heart grow fonder and a few “mysteries” can actually increase interest, attraction and passion. You don’t really have to tell your new love everything about yourself all at once, and if you spend every waking minute together, you can wear out your welcome. Pacing interactions, dates, outings and conversations can lead to MORE sparks, not less.
5. Don’t decide on your feelings immediately. Allowing your emotions to evolve from your own strong, confident nature can mean an explosion of love and connection (where you don’t depend on other person to rescue you, make your life better, or bring lasting happiness to your world). Moving fast can eventually create aversion because you ultimately get scared of being hurt by the person you’re so intensely connected to.
6. If you have a wonderful partner, soul-connection or meaningful relationship in the making, then it doesn’t matter if you slow your roll a little bit, right? It takes several months for two people to really become comfortable around each other and tear down egoic walls. There’s no road-race. If it is right, it’s right and taking your time can only strengthen your bond.
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